Why do teenagers hurt themselves

Their age is 13, 15, 17 years old … and they deliberately hurt themselves. There are more of them than we think, experts say. And they explain: in this way, adolescents report their acute experiences and ask for help.

“I am 14 years old. When the scandals at school become unbearable, I try to make myself as painful as possible. I don’t know why, but when I do this, it becomes easier for me. As if I pull out a splinter from the body. Everything is fine with me?»Comes such alarming letters from adolescents.

There are letters from parents: “My daughter is 15 years old. I recently noticed traces of burns on her hand. It is not possible to talk about this, she perceives any of my words on hostility and refuses to meet with a psychologist. I feel completely powerless and do not know what to do now “.

Traces of the blade, cigarette burns – almost 38% of adolescents at least once tried to injure their body. The realization that his own child causes damage to himself. Automatic, at the level of the reflex, the desire to save him from pain is faced with an unusual obstacle – the absence of an enemy and an external threat. And the question remains: “Why did he do it?”

Contact with your body

In growing children, from about 11-12 years old, desires, interests, behavior – their inner world becomes different. It is especially difficult for teenagers to adapt to changes in their body. Hands and legs stretched out, a gait changes, other movements, voice, voice. The body suddenly begins to behave selflessly: erotic fantasies and treacherously spontaneous erection in boys;Monthly, often painful, in girls, can also begin at any moment – at school, in training.

“The body seems to become something separate,” says the family psychotherapist Inna Khamitova. – hurt yourself – one of the ways to get in touch with him. The behavior of teenagers resembles a person’s gesture who dreams of a terrible dream: he wants to stop him, pinch himself and wake up. ”.

The frightening world

At the age of 37, Tatyana clearly remembers the years when she inflicted the uvelars: “I grew up in a family where it was forbidden to complain – my parents did not understand this. Having become a teenager, I could not choose words to express everything that tormented me at that moment, and I began to harm myself. Now I understand that it was a way not only to deceive adults, but also to console myself: now I know why I am so bad. “.

It is difficult for many modern adolescents, like Tatyana, it is difficult to express their experiences-they know themselves enough, and they are frightened by adult distrust of their feelings. In addition, many simply do not know how to openly and honestly talk about themselves. Without other means to relieve mental stress, adolescents force themselves to experience pain.

“Thus, they fight with immeasurably great suffering,” says the psychotherapist Elena Vrono, “it’s hard to trust herself if I am sure that no one understands you, and the world is hostile. And even if this is not so, the behavior of many teenagers controls just such an idea of themselves and the world. “. Nevertheless, their actions, frightening adults, are not related to the desire to part with life. On the contrary, they confirm the desire to live – to cope with suffering and regain mental balance.

Anesthesia with pain

The paradox of the moment is that adolescents, damaging their body, are experiencing. Baby sense of one’s own omnipotence. “The body remains the only reality that is fully belonging only to them,” Inna Khamitova explains. – Damage to him, they can stop at any time. Managing their body in such a wild (from the point of view of adults), they feel that they control their lives. And this reconciles them with reality “.

Physical pain always muffles the spiritual, which they cannot control, because you can not make the one you love, you can’t change your parents … It can also indicate an experienced violence (mental, physical or sexual).

“Demonstrating the wounds that the teenager inflicted on himself,” says sociologist David Le Breton, “he unconsciously attracts attention to the fact that they are not visible. The cruelty that children manifest in relation to themselves allows them not to show it in relation to others. It acts in the manner of bloodletting in ancient times: relieves excessive internal stress “.

They hurt themselves in order not to experience any more. Many adolescents talk about a sense of relief that occurs after inflicting wounds for themselves. It is based on an anesthetic effect of the action of endorphins – hormones that are produced in the body to drown out the pain.

Family frames

“I often hurt myself from about 14 to 17 years old,” recalls 27-year-old Boris. – And he stopped only when, becoming a student, he left the house. Today, thanks to psychoanalysis, I came to the conclusion that my mother was so experienced. She did not want my birth and made me understand this every day. For her, I was the most worthless creature that would never achieve anything. I felt terrible guilt and regularly punished myself for not worthy of her love. “.

“A child who lacked tender touches in the first years of life, growing up, can continue to worry about it,” explains Elena Vrono. – The body that he never perceived as a source of pleasant sensations remains detached, external to his personality. Wounding himself, he seems to destroy the border between the inner and external “.

Parents can strengthen the suffering of adolescents. “Of the best motives, many of them try not to praise children, as if they can spoil from this,” says Inna Hamitova. – But children at any age need support and approval. They believe what we tell them. If adults constantly criticize the child, the child gets used to the idea that he is bad (ugly, clumsy, cowardly) person. Self -confusion can also become a revenge for a sensitive teenager, a punishment for being so bad “.

But, hating themselves, adolescents do not understand that they actually hate the opinion of others about themselves. This is confirmed by 16-year-old Anna: “Recently, I had a lot of quarreling with my best friend. She told me terrible things – that I do not like anyone and that no one will ever fall in love with me. I felt so bad at home that I did not calm down until I hurt myself. “.

In families with http://www.aplauz.pila.pl/oferta/ the authoritarian style of education, when parents tightly control not only behavior, but also the emotions of adolescents, self -confusion, according to Inna Hamitova, “can become a way of combating the power of parents”.

The teenager argues something like this: “At least in relation to myself, I will do the way I want”. And always cuts and wounds on visible parts of the body help children attract the attention of adults to themselves. These are signals from which parents can no longer dismiss by writing them off to the features of the transition period.

The boundary of the risk

It is important to understand the difference between single tests for strength (“Can I endure it?”), Written by blood oaths in friendship and repeated self -torture. The former are connected either with the recognition of their “new” body and experiments with it, the search for new sensations, or with the rituals existing among peers. These are transient signs of a search for yourself. Constant attempts to hurt yourself – a clear signal for parents, requiring contacting specialists. But in each case, when adolescents show aggression against themselves, it is necessary to understand what they want to say. And we must listen to them.

What to do?

Teenagers seek understanding and at the same time carefully protect their inner world from annoying intrusions. They want to talk, but cannot express themselves. “And therefore,” our experts believe, “perhaps the best interlocutor at this moment will not be parents who are difficult to remain passive listeners, but one of the relatives or acquaintances who can stay nearby, sympathize and not panic”.

Sometimes to stop the child, enough. good thrashing from parents. In such a paradoxical way, they make it clear that he went too far, and express care. But if such behavior becomes a habit or wounds pose a threat to life, it is better not to delay the psychologist. It is especially important to do this in the case when a teenager closes in himself, begins to study poorly, feels constant drowsiness, loses his appetite – such symptoms may turn out to be a sign of more serious psychological problems.